Trigger Man ($10)
Imagine if you will, a smokey conference room. Sitting at the head of a long wooden slab of a table is a fat balding man, his eyes are sunken into his skull, deep frown lines cut into his face, and his yellow teeth are clenching a cigar.
"Crave Entertainment needs a hit boys, and we need it badly. After that fiasco with Bad Boys, we need something to pull our nuts out of the fire and thrust us firmly back into the black. Johnson! What are the kids playing these days?"
"Well sir," Johnson cringes, knowing that the wrong answer will land him in the unemployment line, "People seem to like Grand Theft Auto, Metal Gear Solid and Halo"
"Excellent! Get to work then!"
"On what? What kind of game are we making? Which should we rip off?"
"All of them, idiot! Just mash up all three and give me something great!"
"Guh?"
"Oh, and by the way, you only have 2 months to pull it off. Oh, and I am going to pay you in empty soda cans."
At least, thats is how I think that is how the project got started. From the opening "cinema," Triggerman reeks of suck. Think of the worst 3rd person shooter you have ever played and add im-fucking-possible stealth portions (if you are seen by the cops, your game is over, end of story. Why can't I shoot them? I've already killed dozens of generic GTA mafia rip-offs, why the hell does four cops matter?) The story is told through dialogue boxes, forcing you to read what I thought might have been an 8 year old's Grand Theft Auto fan fiction.
It takes 8 shots to the chest(or one to the head) to kill one guy. The ammo you can carry is damn limited. When an enemy dies, he doesn't drop any ammo or the gun he was carrying or anything. The only way you can stock up again is at the ammo crate located SOMEWHERE in the level. There is no jumping, no dodging, no controls other than move (slowly) duck, and shoot.
I could go on and on and on, but I won't. Look, let me be honest with you. I only played this game for an hour before I took the disc out of my machine and snapped it in half. I had to. I did it for the good of us all. I was angry. Very very goddamn angry and I wanted to take it out on someone, or something.
I now know why all those lawsuits against videogames are out there, but they have the wrong culprit. I have experienced the rage first hand, and Grand Theft Auto never made me feel anything like I felt while playing Triggerman. I wanted to kill something. I wanted someone to feel what I felt, the pain. Triggerman took something away from me in the brief time we spent together, and I will never ever get it back.
So now there is one less copy of this "game" left in the world, and this is a good thing.
Do not play this game. Do not buy it. If you happen to catch a glimpse of it in a store, pretend you didn't see it and walk away slowly. If you know someone who has played Triggerman, give them a hug, and quickly. They need all the love and comfort they can get. If they played it and loved it, however, there is something seriously wrong with them. They need help of the psychiatric kind.
There is no "so bad it's good" with this game. It is just fucking horrible.
Pray for me.
"Crave Entertainment needs a hit boys, and we need it badly. After that fiasco with Bad Boys, we need something to pull our nuts out of the fire and thrust us firmly back into the black. Johnson! What are the kids playing these days?"
"Well sir," Johnson cringes, knowing that the wrong answer will land him in the unemployment line, "People seem to like Grand Theft Auto, Metal Gear Solid and Halo"
"Excellent! Get to work then!"
"On what? What kind of game are we making? Which should we rip off?"
"All of them, idiot! Just mash up all three and give me something great!"
"Guh?"
"Oh, and by the way, you only have 2 months to pull it off. Oh, and I am going to pay you in empty soda cans."
At least, thats is how I think that is how the project got started. From the opening "cinema," Triggerman reeks of suck. Think of the worst 3rd person shooter you have ever played and add im-fucking-possible stealth portions (if you are seen by the cops, your game is over, end of story. Why can't I shoot them? I've already killed dozens of generic GTA mafia rip-offs, why the hell does four cops matter?) The story is told through dialogue boxes, forcing you to read what I thought might have been an 8 year old's Grand Theft Auto fan fiction.
It takes 8 shots to the chest(or one to the head) to kill one guy. The ammo you can carry is damn limited. When an enemy dies, he doesn't drop any ammo or the gun he was carrying or anything. The only way you can stock up again is at the ammo crate located SOMEWHERE in the level. There is no jumping, no dodging, no controls other than move (slowly) duck, and shoot.
I could go on and on and on, but I won't. Look, let me be honest with you. I only played this game for an hour before I took the disc out of my machine and snapped it in half. I had to. I did it for the good of us all. I was angry. Very very goddamn angry and I wanted to take it out on someone, or something.
I now know why all those lawsuits against videogames are out there, but they have the wrong culprit. I have experienced the rage first hand, and Grand Theft Auto never made me feel anything like I felt while playing Triggerman. I wanted to kill something. I wanted someone to feel what I felt, the pain. Triggerman took something away from me in the brief time we spent together, and I will never ever get it back.
So now there is one less copy of this "game" left in the world, and this is a good thing.
Do not play this game. Do not buy it. If you happen to catch a glimpse of it in a store, pretend you didn't see it and walk away slowly. If you know someone who has played Triggerman, give them a hug, and quickly. They need all the love and comfort they can get. If they played it and loved it, however, there is something seriously wrong with them. They need help of the psychiatric kind.
There is no "so bad it's good" with this game. It is just fucking horrible.
Pray for me.
posted by Darkradish at 10:45 PM
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